Satellites.

There's this one person in my life that for the past couple years, I've never been able to let go. Despite all the pain, which he hasn't caused directly... it's the pain that I've brought upon myself. Sometimes I try to walk the other way, but it never works. Other times it starts going away on its own, but it always comes back just as strong. When I go through those periods where that feeling of love & pain battling each other goes away, I'm left with nothing but barrenness. & that's a very frightening, unsettling place for me. I've become used to the "painful love" & without my knowledge, I suppose I started to welcome it & even need it. I guess I just "never can say goodbye." Maybe instead of trying to fight it or understand it, I just need to accept it for the way it is. Just like I have accepted him & love him for who he is. I know I will never have him as my own in reality, but there is nothing I can do about it... besides accept it. If I accept it, that puts the power back in my hands & allows my heart to finally rest. Even if there will never be a "we", he'll always be in my heart so in a way he is still mine.

I've come to realize we can't help who we love. If we did, we'd pick the richest, most successful, attractive mate. I've also realized we can't change how someone else feels. Love is a totally spontaneous force. If we can't choose who we love, then it only makes sense that we can't choose who loves us. The complex nature of love is what makes it so unique & captivating. If it wasn't so elusive, there wouldn't be thousands of books written for it, countless movies made about it, & it wouldn't be the driving force behind most of our goals & ambitions.

If I could choose who to love, it would be someone who wanted to be with me just as bad as I wanted to be with him. & it would be someone who appreciated my love. But that's not the way it works. If love wasn't hard, no one would appreciate it. I know that all the work I've been required to put in only made my love stronger, & it helped me prove myself. The fact that love isn't perfect or mutual, allows us to fight for it. & if you're willing to fight for something, that means you deserve it. We should only give our love to someone who has shown they truly want it by working for it. Although we can't help who we fall in love with, we can control who we ultimately give our love to. Fate & destiny are intertwined in that way. Fate determines who we fall in love with. Destiny determines what we decide to do with it.

One thing that has perplexed me for quite some time about love is its formal definition. Is it just the burning desire to be next to someone? How could such a seemingly casual thing be so monumental? It's crazy that just being "near" someone can mean so much. That we would shift the meaning of our entire existence on one fellow human being.

I'm very fascinated with the idea of love. I love being in love, & hate falling out of it. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me to just pour all of your love into one person. I'm actually a very loving person, but at the same time very selective. So I tend to just pick one person to give all my love to, instead of various people who get only bits & pieces. In other words, when I love, I love hard. I don't mean to flatter myself, but I really believe that if I were to actually fall in love with the right person someday, meaning someone who reciprocated my feelings, they would be extremely lucky. I really give my all when I love someone. I might not be aggressive, I may be more behind the scenes, but I give it my best.

I used to wish I was more outward with my thoughts & feelings. But I've come to realize I have a slight advantage. By not being so loud & oppressive with my innermost self, it requires people to actually get to know me. So far I don't think I've found anyone who found me "interesting" enough to tap into the depths of my soul. No one has really tried. I wish someone would, but I also like it this way. It keeps the leeches & unwanted vultures out. I think everyone's soul or aura can be visualized. I like to think of mine as just a leaf swirling around in the wind. It just goes wherever the breeze takes it. It makes some noise but isn't disruptive. & I'm waiting for the person who doesn't let me just fly away in the wind like everyone else.

But the story of my life is unrequited love. I'm not sure if I've been cursed with this complex, or if I just "think" I have which has affected my attitude. & your attitude means everything. It can make or break you. So if I believe that I might as well not bother in telling someone I like them, then I don't do it. Maybe deep down I actually like the plague & suffering of unrequited love. It's not your typical anguish. The best way I can find to describe it is like a drug. It has its wonderful highs, & its deepest lows. The high is the ultimate purpose for taking the drug. But the side effects are the latent purpose, or in other words unintended. Even though the downs are pretty unbearable at the time, it makes the ups seem all the more incredible. If you break the cycle, you lose the lows, but the highs also go away with them. Rather than forge a path of complacency & monotony, you would choose the winding road of course. The winding road is much more interesting.

There is a song "Satellites" by Beyonce that somewhat touches on what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like we're just "satellites passing by." There is a lot of potential there, but if we keep orbiting around without crashing into each other, it's a waste. I know how I feel about him. I don't know how he feels about me. But what I do know is I would be good for him & I wish he could see that. I know I can't make him feel a certain way, but I can have some influence on it. I'm caught in the middle of fate & destiny. I feel that if it was meant to be, he would pursue me. But what if we all felt that way? We'd just be "satellites passing by." I know I can't make him make a move. But have I fully done my part?