the beautiful struggle.

if you knew how much i loved you, would you even care? how much love can one heart give without anything in return? i'm a human being, i have feelings & needs. i'm tired of digging around for any little sign that you care. i'll give my all, i just ask for appreciation in return. i'm waiting for the day when you finally see the realness in me. it's been here all along. i can show you, but i can't make you understand. & if that day never comes, then maybe i was just too real for you...

but i knew before i began my journey, that you were not gonna be an easy one to break. then again, neither am i. that's why i respect you so much, because you don't let just anyone in. i feel like all these sexual conquests & this arrogant nature are just a facade to cover up a fragile human being. one who is vulnerable to insecurities, pain, & frailties just like everyone else. the more sensitive you are, the harder you have to try to hide it. i should know because i'm the same way. i hide a broken heart falling apart at the seams with a tough, cool, carefree exterior. i actually take pride in guarding my emotions so safely. but i don't want to be another statistic to you, because we could be so much more than that...

i know it's too soon for you to love me. something as beautiful as love shouldn't come too quickly or easily. but sometimes i wonder if you're ready for love at all. you've become so poisoned & intoxicated by females filling your head with compliments about your looks & your sex game, that you aren't going to recognize or care about a chick who really loves you for you when you finally see one. i'm not asking you to give up all the women in the world for me. i just want you to feel the love i have for you. because if you could just feel it & let love in, not question it or push it away, you would feel all the love this life has to offer & then some. i feel like all the love i have could circle the entire globe & still not be finished.

tears roll down my face as i'm writing this to you, even though you will never read this. i love you so much it literally kills me inside.. pieces of my heart break off just for you & i will never ever see them again. you're the only one who will get to receive my love, & since i have faith in the goodness of your heart, i know one day you will understand... even if i'm out of your life by then. one day you will appreciate a woman's love. i just wish that woman could be me.

something keeps telling me that i'll appreciate all this heartache & fallen tears eventually. if i ever do get to have a part of you, then it'll all be worth the beautiful struggle...

so here's an unmarked letter, from my heart to yours.

that's why i love you.

i could have anyone else that i actually got to see & talk to every day, but i'd rather be lonely & missing you all the time than settle for less. i am only capable of loving you. every time i even consider searching for someone else, i quickly erase the thought away.

when i'm around you, i don't have to say a word. i just listen intently to every word you say & try to understand you better. & the more i get to know you, the more i love you. i feel like beyonce said, "i love to see you walk in the room, body shining, lighting up the place. & when you talk, everybody stops cause they know you know just what to say." it's like when you walk through the door, the world stops spinning, my heart starts glowing, & my whole aura lights up.

& then when you're gone, i feel the other end of the emotional spectrum. everything inside of me, my whole entire being, hurts like no other. it takes all my strength just to continue on with life.

& that's why i love you. you're the only one that can make me feel anything, let alone such a wide array of emotions.

as long as you're here, i'm never going anywhere. no matter how hard i have to try, or how long i have to wait.

even though you upset me sometimes, i can't envision my life without you.

sometimes i wonder if there's anyone else in the world who feels this way right now, whether it be for you or someone else.

but i know in my heart that nobody could love you more than i do...

no one can question my love for you. never once have i left your side or turned my back on you, & i never will.

even though it may not mean a lot to anyone else, the love that you've shown me is more than i've ever felt before from a romantic standpoint. from day one, you & your brothers welcomed me with open arms & i'm eternally grateful.

sometimes i wonder how long i can go on this way. i feel as if i'm just biding my time, shuffling aimlessly through life until i get to see you. only then do i enjoy myself. it's easy to say that it's unhealthy & i should break my attachment, but i can't. if i were to break it, then i wouldn't even have anything to look forward to.

i know you would have to cut me off first, because i'll never be ready to let go on my own. which is hard because i'm always the first one to push people away. i'm making myself so vulnerable & open, which terrifies me. but i'm ready & willing to face my fears for you. i hate the uncertainty, not knowing where you & me will stand a month, a year, or however long from now. but i guess that's the enticing part too. i can usually predict things with accuracy, but the unexpected always occurs when it comes to you.