After effects.

After effects are a bitch, to put it bluntly. After you reach the peak or "euphoria," there's only one direction to go from there, which is down. & that's when you hit rock bottom.

I thought I knew it was gonna be hard. Turns out I didn't even know what hard was until it hit me. If it's already this difficult, it's definitely not going to get any easier.

But you can't get mad at the life you chose to lead. I knew what I was getting myself into when I selected this path. But how was I to know I'd end up drowning? Obviously I would never willingly choose that. & now I'm in over my head. It's too late to turn around. I just have to stay afloat. & I choose to live, not to lay down & die.

It's no longer a matter of staying or leaving. I need him. Even if he makes me sad, he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Before he came along, I wasn't as sad, but I wasn't as happy... that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. & now I'm trying to find the me that I once knew. What happened to my confidence, my independence? Now I find myself jealous, insecure, & weak.

But he's my paradise in a cold world. An oasis in the middle of the desert. When I'm with him, I don't have any other care in the world. & I'd rather spend the rest of my time thinking of him than doing anything else.

I just wish this was a sure thing. Is there a chance that something could possibly be there someday? I think I deserve someone who will love me. What do I want from him? I thought all I wanted was his acknowledgment. Then I wanted to give myself to him, thinking he would never accept it, but it happened. & now I want even more. I got a taste, & it was so beautiful, divine, & perfect that all I can think of is the next time I will get it. I refuse to try to find someone else.

I felt something there, but if I'm the only one who felt it, does that mean it isn't real? The words you say & the things you do may not mean much to someone else, but they mean the world to me. Do you see anything in me at all? You're everything to me, but I'm probably next to nothing to you.

To you it was just an inconvenience or a hassle. But to me, it was a rite of passage in my life. I gave you my feelings, my innocence, my vulnerability, my trust, my fears. But I knew there was a possibility you wouldn't do the same, & that I could end up getting hurt sooner or later. I tried not to think about it. My love for you overpowered any fears. I hope that eventually you'll see just how much I've put on the line.

& now I finally understand how sex changes a female's emotions. It makes you constantly worry that you aren't measuring up.

How is it humanly possible to love someone so much without any love in return ? Will the love die if the fire isn't fed?

You are love.

I'm alive when I'm with you
Like the first breath of life
Welcoming someone new
The reason my heart keeps beating
When it seems all hope is fleeting

I exist for the joy
Live for the pain
Just to see your smile
I'll always remain

It's a mixture between love & hate
The two opposing forces
Somehow closely relate

I never knew what love meant
Until the day I met you
You're all I've ever known
You became my definition of love
All on your own

You aren't just my soulmate
Not even a companion
Or just another date
To me, you are love

Putting another before you
Just isn't a possibility
When I look at someone else
Your eyes are all I see

Even when love is not returned
It's better to live without it
Than to settle for less
Love has no time limit

Waiting for your love
To finally set me free
& if it never happens
I guess I'll live in captivity

Love is...

When you feel like giving up, but keep holding on.

Elusive love.

I was never scared of love
Just afraid of it slipping away
I never meant to fall for you
It just happened that way

When I act distant or hesitant
Deep down I want to be close
But I'm worried what you'll think
If I let my layers expose

When I'm around you
I pretend like I don't care
But the truth is I miss you
Whenever you're not there

To be in your midst is enough
I never expected love in return
But I'll wait around in case
One day you finally learn

Maybe it's meant to be
Or it could be a fantasy
But if I let this chance go
I'll certainly never know

Look inside my heart
Past the illusion
See me for who I am
Through all the confusion

Leave the games behind
Hearts aren't made
To be deceived & played

I get so close
That I can almost touch it
But then it always slips
Right between my fingertips

Something so magnificent
Within arms reach of me
Too far to grasp
But close enough to see

Like a glass of water
I put my lips to the top
Longing for a taste
But all I get is a drop

We're running out of time
& running in place
Not getting anywhere
Just floating in space

It's time to move
Before it's too late
But I have to move
At my own steady rate