trapped by my heart.

i love you but i know i shouldn't

sometimes it hurts so bad

i wanna walk away

but i know i couldn't

it's hard to stare at you from a distance

pretending that i don't care

my heart cries out for you silently

but i don't speak because i'm scared

when you look in my direction

even though i'm smiling inside

i turn my head around

while my feelings run & hide

i remember one time

when you saw my face & smiled

i felt it in my heart

dancing & going wild

how do i begin to tell you

that you make me feel this way?

i have no clue what to do

or what i'm supposed to say...

but i know i have to someday

my heart can't take anymore

i'm running out of room

for all this love to be stored

these feelings are trapped within

locked behind my heart's doors

longing to be released

if only you let them in yours

the beautiful struggle.

if you knew how much i loved you, would you even care? how much love can one heart give without anything in return? i'm a human being, i have feelings & needs. i'm tired of digging around for any little sign that you care. i'll give my all, i just ask for appreciation in return. i'm waiting for the day when you finally see the realness in me. it's been here all along. i can show you, but i can't make you understand. & if that day never comes, then maybe i was just too real for you...

but i knew before i began my journey, that you were not gonna be an easy one to break. then again, neither am i. that's why i respect you so much, because you don't let just anyone in. i feel like all these sexual conquests & this arrogant nature are just a facade to cover up a fragile human being. one who is vulnerable to insecurities, pain, & frailties just like everyone else. the more sensitive you are, the harder you have to try to hide it. i should know because i'm the same way. i hide a broken heart falling apart at the seams with a tough, cool, carefree exterior. i actually take pride in guarding my emotions so safely. but i don't want to be another statistic to you, because we could be so much more than that...

i know it's too soon for you to love me. something as beautiful as love shouldn't come too quickly or easily. but sometimes i wonder if you're ready for love at all. you've become so poisoned & intoxicated by females filling your head with compliments about your looks & your sex game, that you aren't going to recognize or care about a chick who really loves you for you when you finally see one. i'm not asking you to give up all the women in the world for me. i just want you to feel the love i have for you. because if you could just feel it & let love in, not question it or push it away, you would feel all the love this life has to offer & then some. i feel like all the love i have could circle the entire globe & still not be finished.

tears roll down my face as i'm writing this to you, even though you will never read this. i love you so much it literally kills me inside.. pieces of my heart break off just for you & i will never ever see them again. you're the only one who will get to receive my love, & since i have faith in the goodness of your heart, i know one day you will understand... even if i'm out of your life by then. one day you will appreciate a woman's love. i just wish that woman could be me.

something keeps telling me that i'll appreciate all this heartache & fallen tears eventually. if i ever do get to have a part of you, then it'll all be worth the beautiful struggle...

so here's an unmarked letter, from my heart to yours.

that's why i love you.

i could have anyone else that i actually got to see & talk to every day, but i'd rather be lonely & missing you all the time than settle for less. i am only capable of loving you. every time i even consider searching for someone else, i quickly erase the thought away.

when i'm around you, i don't have to say a word. i just listen intently to every word you say & try to understand you better. & the more i get to know you, the more i love you. i feel like beyonce said, "i love to see you walk in the room, body shining, lighting up the place. & when you talk, everybody stops cause they know you know just what to say." it's like when you walk through the door, the world stops spinning, my heart starts glowing, & my whole aura lights up.

& then when you're gone, i feel the other end of the emotional spectrum. everything inside of me, my whole entire being, hurts like no other. it takes all my strength just to continue on with life.

& that's why i love you. you're the only one that can make me feel anything, let alone such a wide array of emotions.

as long as you're here, i'm never going anywhere. no matter how hard i have to try, or how long i have to wait.

even though you upset me sometimes, i can't envision my life without you.

sometimes i wonder if there's anyone else in the world who feels this way right now, whether it be for you or someone else.

but i know in my heart that nobody could love you more than i do...

no one can question my love for you. never once have i left your side or turned my back on you, & i never will.

even though it may not mean a lot to anyone else, the love that you've shown me is more than i've ever felt before from a romantic standpoint. from day one, you & your brothers welcomed me with open arms & i'm eternally grateful.

sometimes i wonder how long i can go on this way. i feel as if i'm just biding my time, shuffling aimlessly through life until i get to see you. only then do i enjoy myself. it's easy to say that it's unhealthy & i should break my attachment, but i can't. if i were to break it, then i wouldn't even have anything to look forward to.

i know you would have to cut me off first, because i'll never be ready to let go on my own. which is hard because i'm always the first one to push people away. i'm making myself so vulnerable & open, which terrifies me. but i'm ready & willing to face my fears for you. i hate the uncertainty, not knowing where you & me will stand a month, a year, or however long from now. but i guess that's the enticing part too. i can usually predict things with accuracy, but the unexpected always occurs when it comes to you.

After effects.

After effects are a bitch, to put it bluntly. After you reach the peak or "euphoria," there's only one direction to go from there, which is down. & that's when you hit rock bottom.

I thought I knew it was gonna be hard. Turns out I didn't even know what hard was until it hit me. If it's already this difficult, it's definitely not going to get any easier.

But you can't get mad at the life you chose to lead. I knew what I was getting myself into when I selected this path. But how was I to know I'd end up drowning? Obviously I would never willingly choose that. & now I'm in over my head. It's too late to turn around. I just have to stay afloat. & I choose to live, not to lay down & die.

It's no longer a matter of staying or leaving. I need him. Even if he makes me sad, he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Before he came along, I wasn't as sad, but I wasn't as happy... that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. & now I'm trying to find the me that I once knew. What happened to my confidence, my independence? Now I find myself jealous, insecure, & weak.

But he's my paradise in a cold world. An oasis in the middle of the desert. When I'm with him, I don't have any other care in the world. & I'd rather spend the rest of my time thinking of him than doing anything else.

I just wish this was a sure thing. Is there a chance that something could possibly be there someday? I think I deserve someone who will love me. What do I want from him? I thought all I wanted was his acknowledgment. Then I wanted to give myself to him, thinking he would never accept it, but it happened. & now I want even more. I got a taste, & it was so beautiful, divine, & perfect that all I can think of is the next time I will get it. I refuse to try to find someone else.

I felt something there, but if I'm the only one who felt it, does that mean it isn't real? The words you say & the things you do may not mean much to someone else, but they mean the world to me. Do you see anything in me at all? You're everything to me, but I'm probably next to nothing to you.

To you it was just an inconvenience or a hassle. But to me, it was a rite of passage in my life. I gave you my feelings, my innocence, my vulnerability, my trust, my fears. But I knew there was a possibility you wouldn't do the same, & that I could end up getting hurt sooner or later. I tried not to think about it. My love for you overpowered any fears. I hope that eventually you'll see just how much I've put on the line.

& now I finally understand how sex changes a female's emotions. It makes you constantly worry that you aren't measuring up.

How is it humanly possible to love someone so much without any love in return ? Will the love die if the fire isn't fed?

You are love.

I'm alive when I'm with you
Like the first breath of life
Welcoming someone new
The reason my heart keeps beating
When it seems all hope is fleeting

I exist for the joy
Live for the pain
Just to see your smile
I'll always remain

It's a mixture between love & hate
The two opposing forces
Somehow closely relate

I never knew what love meant
Until the day I met you
You're all I've ever known
You became my definition of love
All on your own

You aren't just my soulmate
Not even a companion
Or just another date
To me, you are love

Putting another before you
Just isn't a possibility
When I look at someone else
Your eyes are all I see

Even when love is not returned
It's better to live without it
Than to settle for less
Love has no time limit

Waiting for your love
To finally set me free
& if it never happens
I guess I'll live in captivity

Love is...

When you feel like giving up, but keep holding on.

Elusive love.

I was never scared of love
Just afraid of it slipping away
I never meant to fall for you
It just happened that way

When I act distant or hesitant
Deep down I want to be close
But I'm worried what you'll think
If I let my layers expose

When I'm around you
I pretend like I don't care
But the truth is I miss you
Whenever you're not there

To be in your midst is enough
I never expected love in return
But I'll wait around in case
One day you finally learn

Maybe it's meant to be
Or it could be a fantasy
But if I let this chance go
I'll certainly never know

Look inside my heart
Past the illusion
See me for who I am
Through all the confusion

Leave the games behind
Hearts aren't made
To be deceived & played

I get so close
That I can almost touch it
But then it always slips
Right between my fingertips

Something so magnificent
Within arms reach of me
Too far to grasp
But close enough to see

Like a glass of water
I put my lips to the top
Longing for a taste
But all I get is a drop

We're running out of time
& running in place
Not getting anywhere
Just floating in space

It's time to move
Before it's too late
But I have to move
At my own steady rate

Satellites.

There's this one person in my life that for the past couple years, I've never been able to let go. Despite all the pain, which he hasn't caused directly... it's the pain that I've brought upon myself. Sometimes I try to walk the other way, but it never works. Other times it starts going away on its own, but it always comes back just as strong. When I go through those periods where that feeling of love & pain battling each other goes away, I'm left with nothing but barrenness. & that's a very frightening, unsettling place for me. I've become used to the "painful love" & without my knowledge, I suppose I started to welcome it & even need it. I guess I just "never can say goodbye." Maybe instead of trying to fight it or understand it, I just need to accept it for the way it is. Just like I have accepted him & love him for who he is. I know I will never have him as my own in reality, but there is nothing I can do about it... besides accept it. If I accept it, that puts the power back in my hands & allows my heart to finally rest. Even if there will never be a "we", he'll always be in my heart so in a way he is still mine.

I've come to realize we can't help who we love. If we did, we'd pick the richest, most successful, attractive mate. I've also realized we can't change how someone else feels. Love is a totally spontaneous force. If we can't choose who we love, then it only makes sense that we can't choose who loves us. The complex nature of love is what makes it so unique & captivating. If it wasn't so elusive, there wouldn't be thousands of books written for it, countless movies made about it, & it wouldn't be the driving force behind most of our goals & ambitions.

If I could choose who to love, it would be someone who wanted to be with me just as bad as I wanted to be with him. & it would be someone who appreciated my love. But that's not the way it works. If love wasn't hard, no one would appreciate it. I know that all the work I've been required to put in only made my love stronger, & it helped me prove myself. The fact that love isn't perfect or mutual, allows us to fight for it. & if you're willing to fight for something, that means you deserve it. We should only give our love to someone who has shown they truly want it by working for it. Although we can't help who we fall in love with, we can control who we ultimately give our love to. Fate & destiny are intertwined in that way. Fate determines who we fall in love with. Destiny determines what we decide to do with it.

One thing that has perplexed me for quite some time about love is its formal definition. Is it just the burning desire to be next to someone? How could such a seemingly casual thing be so monumental? It's crazy that just being "near" someone can mean so much. That we would shift the meaning of our entire existence on one fellow human being.

I'm very fascinated with the idea of love. I love being in love, & hate falling out of it. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me to just pour all of your love into one person. I'm actually a very loving person, but at the same time very selective. So I tend to just pick one person to give all my love to, instead of various people who get only bits & pieces. In other words, when I love, I love hard. I don't mean to flatter myself, but I really believe that if I were to actually fall in love with the right person someday, meaning someone who reciprocated my feelings, they would be extremely lucky. I really give my all when I love someone. I might not be aggressive, I may be more behind the scenes, but I give it my best.

I used to wish I was more outward with my thoughts & feelings. But I've come to realize I have a slight advantage. By not being so loud & oppressive with my innermost self, it requires people to actually get to know me. So far I don't think I've found anyone who found me "interesting" enough to tap into the depths of my soul. No one has really tried. I wish someone would, but I also like it this way. It keeps the leeches & unwanted vultures out. I think everyone's soul or aura can be visualized. I like to think of mine as just a leaf swirling around in the wind. It just goes wherever the breeze takes it. It makes some noise but isn't disruptive. & I'm waiting for the person who doesn't let me just fly away in the wind like everyone else.

But the story of my life is unrequited love. I'm not sure if I've been cursed with this complex, or if I just "think" I have which has affected my attitude. & your attitude means everything. It can make or break you. So if I believe that I might as well not bother in telling someone I like them, then I don't do it. Maybe deep down I actually like the plague & suffering of unrequited love. It's not your typical anguish. The best way I can find to describe it is like a drug. It has its wonderful highs, & its deepest lows. The high is the ultimate purpose for taking the drug. But the side effects are the latent purpose, or in other words unintended. Even though the downs are pretty unbearable at the time, it makes the ups seem all the more incredible. If you break the cycle, you lose the lows, but the highs also go away with them. Rather than forge a path of complacency & monotony, you would choose the winding road of course. The winding road is much more interesting.

There is a song "Satellites" by Beyonce that somewhat touches on what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like we're just "satellites passing by." There is a lot of potential there, but if we keep orbiting around without crashing into each other, it's a waste. I know how I feel about him. I don't know how he feels about me. But what I do know is I would be good for him & I wish he could see that. I know I can't make him feel a certain way, but I can have some influence on it. I'm caught in the middle of fate & destiny. I feel that if it was meant to be, he would pursue me. But what if we all felt that way? We'd just be "satellites passing by." I know I can't make him make a move. But have I fully done my part?

Heart under the influence of love.

have you ever felt like you really found the one, that no other can come close to? you don't think you'll ever find someone else that makes you feel the way they do. you have never fallen this hard before & you'll never fall this hard again. they are the last one you will ever love because you've found everything you ever wanted in them. you don't have to go searching anymore. they're what you've been looking for all along, but just didn't know or couldn't find. if you could paint a human masterpiece, they would be the artwork. you never even had a picture of idealism until they walked into your life. all those other times you thought you were in love were merely crushes who seem so minuscule in the shadow of the real thing.

how do you beat that? how do you let something go that is so seemingly perfect? how will you find someone with all those qualities? is it even possible that anybody else exists who embodies this beauty? how will you ever love again? for the first time in your life, you have come face to face with perfection. so how can you just turn around when you're standing so close? how do you convince yourself you don't want something anymore when you still do?

all of that may sound a tad bit insane to you, & you're right. but it's not a mind under the alteration of drugs. it's your heart under the influence of love. of course they aren't perfect, they are a flawed human being just like the rest of us. but what your brain knows your heart, when a captive of love, chooses to ignore. & in battles of the brain vs. the heart, no matter how bloody, the heart always comes out the victor. maybe you really have fallen this deeply before, but your heart has convinced you that this is the most you've ever loved someone. & yes there is someone else out there for you that will give you everything the last one did & more. but you don't want anyone else or what they have to offer. you want that one person. not because they love you back or performed some noble deed for you. just because you love them for who they are, & the way they make you feel in turn. & even though it seems foolish to long for something that you know will never happen, you've never wanted anything else so much as this.

i believe that unrequited love is the truest of all. it's the most selfless because it gives without receiving. it's the strongest because it endures all skepticism, heartache, & disappointment. it's easy to love when you're getting something in return. but to love despite the prospect of never getting it back is difficult.

i'm pouring my heart out, desperately hoping for some solace to this ongoing struggle within me. this is how i really feel, every single day. no one could even make something this complicated up. & you cannot possibly understand unless you've been a victim yourself.

Patiently Waiting

True love will wait forever
Not knowing what's on the other side
Or if the reward at the end
Will be worth the difficult ride

Just taking it in stride
One day at a time
Yet meanwhile terrified
Of getting your hopes too high
Just to fall in the end
Like a raindrop from the sky

The minutes go by like hours
& an hour is more like a day
It doesn't get any easier
But as they always say
No matter what the obstacle
A little faith can go a long way

Worse than saying goodbye
Is the uncertainty that follows
No matter how hard you try
You can't stop thinking of them
The more time that goes by
The worse it becomes

Not knowing precisely when
You'll get to meet again
How soon or far away it may be
Just passing time until then

Thinking of the memories
Of all the time you've spent
Trying to recapture
Every precious moment

Longing merely to be
In their warm presence
Hearing their laughter
Pierce the aching silence

Missing someone you love
Is the most unbearable pain
But when you see each other
You'll know it wasn't in vain

Who said love was easy?

I'm not afraid of love
I just don't wanna feel the pain
'Cause the sun can't shine forever
There will be days of rain

I don't even know what I want
So how can I love someone else
I can't possibly give him what he needs
If I don't know what I'm looking for myself

A broken heart can be mended
But a lost soul is not easily found
I'm scared to spread my wings & fly
'Cause what if I hit the ground?

They say it's all in the journey
You'll find out along the way
I just don't wanna get hurt again
But I can't live alone another day
Even though love hurts sometimes
I want this feeling to stay

Sometimes I just don't know
Am I chasing the wrong thing?
Is all of this pain & sadness
Worth the shred of happiness you bring?

Is love supposed to hurt this bad
& cause tears to fall from your eyes
It almost seems like the lows
Are starting to outnumber the highs

I'm just afraid of not feeling anything
My heart becoming a vast empty space
But when you're in love it feels like
You're wrapped in a warm embrace

But I keep coming back for more
Despite all the pain you put me through
At the end of the day you make it all better
With just the simple thought of you

Just Thought You Should Know

I'll take whatever I can
Because I'd rather have some of you
Than nothing at all
As I surrender my entire heart
Not just a trivial part
Despite the inevitable pain
& oncoming days of rain

But that's a risk I'm willing to take
& a sacrifice I'm prepared to make
If I don't take a chance on you
If I let you slip by like all the rest
& fail yet another one of love's tests
I know I'll never forgive myself

I cannot regret this choice I've made
No matter what the outcome may be
If I sit by & do nothing at all
Then there's only one possibility

Even if you should walk out of my life
After everything is through
At least I welcomed you in
& spent some time with you

I know it seems so dumb
To make myself so vulnerable
But I'm well aware of the consequences
I'll worry as they come

For now I will seize my opportunity
Since tomorrow isn't a guarantee
Maybe someday you will understand
Just how much you mean to me

That's what terrifies me the most
Letting my guard down
Removing my mask
Leaving my feelings exposed

Even if you never feel the same way
I should still say what I need to say
So I won't have to ask myself
What could have been someday

I just thought you should know
You're the only one I've ever met
Who has made me feel this way
I haven't let anyone yet

Now I find myself transforming
Before my very own eyes
Wanting to give you all of me
My most closely guarded prize

Love will make you try things
You've never done before
Or compromise your beliefs
Until all of a sudden
You don't know yourself anymore

By: Yours Truly