first, last, & only.

there's a part of me that will always love you. & in that place, you'll always be welcome. may your voice echo against its vacant walls. may your smile radiate warmth & make it inhabitable once again. may your remnants fill the empty space. & the picture in the frame is more beautiful with you in it. ♥ - me

The one I couldn't have.

It wasn't a whirlwind romance out of the pages of a storybook. There was no grand entrance, no soundtrack, no love at first sight. It was nothing out of the ordinary as it may have appeared to the casual observer. It was just two completely unsuspecting people - one carrying out a normal, uneventful life in a small town; the other a well-known entertainer, traveling the world & performing in front of crowds well in the thousands. She was just an avid fan admiring from afar, wishing only to meet the person on her bedroom wall face-to-face, vindicating the years of unwavering dedication with a simple autograph or hug. Little did she know she would receive much more than that. A surprising turn of events would lead to a lifetime of heartache, painful lessons, & difficult choices.

The long road to love & fulfillment is full of twists & turns, & you'll never reach the finish line without a few bumps & bruises. But if you make it without going under, love is a guarantee. & that reward is well worth the risks entailed. Remember: we may not choose our first love, but we can always decide who to make our last.

But for some reason, we always want the ones we can't have.

the O N E

"I want the one that makes my heart flutter when he walks in the room. the one that causes me to forget how to speak. the one I miss to death when hes gone. the one I think about all the time. the one that makes me cry one minute & smile the next. I could find someone who gives me stability but I refuse to resort to monotony when he sets my soul on fire. You only find that kind of love every once in awhile." ♥ - Yours truly

Still in love.

I don't believe that anybody could feel the way I do about you now...
& maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.
after all, you're my wonderwall. ♥

trapped by my heart.

i love you but i know i shouldn't

sometimes it hurts so bad

i wanna walk away

but i know i couldn't

it's hard to stare at you from a distance

pretending that i don't care

my heart cries out for you silently

but i don't speak because i'm scared

when you look in my direction

even though i'm smiling inside

i turn my head around

while my feelings run & hide

i remember one time

when you saw my face & smiled

i felt it in my heart

dancing & going wild

how do i begin to tell you

that you make me feel this way?

i have no clue what to do

or what i'm supposed to say...

but i know i have to someday

my heart can't take anymore

i'm running out of room

for all this love to be stored

these feelings are trapped within

locked behind my heart's doors

longing to be released

if only you let them in yours

the beautiful struggle.

if you knew how much i loved you, would you even care? how much love can one heart give without anything in return? i'm a human being, i have feelings & needs. i'm tired of digging around for any little sign that you care. i'll give my all, i just ask for appreciation in return. i'm waiting for the day when you finally see the realness in me. it's been here all along. i can show you, but i can't make you understand. & if that day never comes, then maybe i was just too real for you...

but i knew before i began my journey, that you were not gonna be an easy one to break. then again, neither am i. that's why i respect you so much, because you don't let just anyone in. i feel like all these sexual conquests & this arrogant nature are just a facade to cover up a fragile human being. one who is vulnerable to insecurities, pain, & frailties just like everyone else. the more sensitive you are, the harder you have to try to hide it. i should know because i'm the same way. i hide a broken heart falling apart at the seams with a tough, cool, carefree exterior. i actually take pride in guarding my emotions so safely. but i don't want to be another statistic to you, because we could be so much more than that...

i know it's too soon for you to love me. something as beautiful as love shouldn't come too quickly or easily. but sometimes i wonder if you're ready for love at all. you've become so poisoned & intoxicated by females filling your head with compliments about your looks & your sex game, that you aren't going to recognize or care about a chick who really loves you for you when you finally see one. i'm not asking you to give up all the women in the world for me. i just want you to feel the love i have for you. because if you could just feel it & let love in, not question it or push it away, you would feel all the love this life has to offer & then some. i feel like all the love i have could circle the entire globe & still not be finished.

tears roll down my face as i'm writing this to you, even though you will never read this. i love you so much it literally kills me inside.. pieces of my heart break off just for you & i will never ever see them again. you're the only one who will get to receive my love, & since i have faith in the goodness of your heart, i know one day you will understand... even if i'm out of your life by then. one day you will appreciate a woman's love. i just wish that woman could be me.

something keeps telling me that i'll appreciate all this heartache & fallen tears eventually. if i ever do get to have a part of you, then it'll all be worth the beautiful struggle...

so here's an unmarked letter, from my heart to yours.

that's why i love you.

i could have anyone else that i actually got to see & talk to every day, but i'd rather be lonely & missing you all the time than settle for less. i am only capable of loving you. every time i even consider searching for someone else, i quickly erase the thought away.

when i'm around you, i don't have to say a word. i just listen intently to every word you say & try to understand you better. & the more i get to know you, the more i love you. i feel like beyonce said, "i love to see you walk in the room, body shining, lighting up the place. & when you talk, everybody stops cause they know you know just what to say." it's like when you walk through the door, the world stops spinning, my heart starts glowing, & my whole aura lights up.

& then when you're gone, i feel the other end of the emotional spectrum. everything inside of me, my whole entire being, hurts like no other. it takes all my strength just to continue on with life.

& that's why i love you. you're the only one that can make me feel anything, let alone such a wide array of emotions.

as long as you're here, i'm never going anywhere. no matter how hard i have to try, or how long i have to wait.

even though you upset me sometimes, i can't envision my life without you.

sometimes i wonder if there's anyone else in the world who feels this way right now, whether it be for you or someone else.

but i know in my heart that nobody could love you more than i do...

no one can question my love for you. never once have i left your side or turned my back on you, & i never will.

even though it may not mean a lot to anyone else, the love that you've shown me is more than i've ever felt before from a romantic standpoint. from day one, you & your brothers welcomed me with open arms & i'm eternally grateful.

sometimes i wonder how long i can go on this way. i feel as if i'm just biding my time, shuffling aimlessly through life until i get to see you. only then do i enjoy myself. it's easy to say that it's unhealthy & i should break my attachment, but i can't. if i were to break it, then i wouldn't even have anything to look forward to.

i know you would have to cut me off first, because i'll never be ready to let go on my own. which is hard because i'm always the first one to push people away. i'm making myself so vulnerable & open, which terrifies me. but i'm ready & willing to face my fears for you. i hate the uncertainty, not knowing where you & me will stand a month, a year, or however long from now. but i guess that's the enticing part too. i can usually predict things with accuracy, but the unexpected always occurs when it comes to you.