Satellites.

There's this one person in my life that for the past couple years, I've never been able to let go. Despite all the pain, which he hasn't caused directly... it's the pain that I've brought upon myself. Sometimes I try to walk the other way, but it never works. Other times it starts going away on its own, but it always comes back just as strong. When I go through those periods where that feeling of love & pain battling each other goes away, I'm left with nothing but barrenness. & that's a very frightening, unsettling place for me. I've become used to the "painful love" & without my knowledge, I suppose I started to welcome it & even need it. I guess I just "never can say goodbye." Maybe instead of trying to fight it or understand it, I just need to accept it for the way it is. Just like I have accepted him & love him for who he is. I know I will never have him as my own in reality, but there is nothing I can do about it... besides accept it. If I accept it, that puts the power back in my hands & allows my heart to finally rest. Even if there will never be a "we", he'll always be in my heart so in a way he is still mine.

I've come to realize we can't help who we love. If we did, we'd pick the richest, most successful, attractive mate. I've also realized we can't change how someone else feels. Love is a totally spontaneous force. If we can't choose who we love, then it only makes sense that we can't choose who loves us. The complex nature of love is what makes it so unique & captivating. If it wasn't so elusive, there wouldn't be thousands of books written for it, countless movies made about it, & it wouldn't be the driving force behind most of our goals & ambitions.

If I could choose who to love, it would be someone who wanted to be with me just as bad as I wanted to be with him. & it would be someone who appreciated my love. But that's not the way it works. If love wasn't hard, no one would appreciate it. I know that all the work I've been required to put in only made my love stronger, & it helped me prove myself. The fact that love isn't perfect or mutual, allows us to fight for it. & if you're willing to fight for something, that means you deserve it. We should only give our love to someone who has shown they truly want it by working for it. Although we can't help who we fall in love with, we can control who we ultimately give our love to. Fate & destiny are intertwined in that way. Fate determines who we fall in love with. Destiny determines what we decide to do with it.

One thing that has perplexed me for quite some time about love is its formal definition. Is it just the burning desire to be next to someone? How could such a seemingly casual thing be so monumental? It's crazy that just being "near" someone can mean so much. That we would shift the meaning of our entire existence on one fellow human being.

I'm very fascinated with the idea of love. I love being in love, & hate falling out of it. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me to just pour all of your love into one person. I'm actually a very loving person, but at the same time very selective. So I tend to just pick one person to give all my love to, instead of various people who get only bits & pieces. In other words, when I love, I love hard. I don't mean to flatter myself, but I really believe that if I were to actually fall in love with the right person someday, meaning someone who reciprocated my feelings, they would be extremely lucky. I really give my all when I love someone. I might not be aggressive, I may be more behind the scenes, but I give it my best.

I used to wish I was more outward with my thoughts & feelings. But I've come to realize I have a slight advantage. By not being so loud & oppressive with my innermost self, it requires people to actually get to know me. So far I don't think I've found anyone who found me "interesting" enough to tap into the depths of my soul. No one has really tried. I wish someone would, but I also like it this way. It keeps the leeches & unwanted vultures out. I think everyone's soul or aura can be visualized. I like to think of mine as just a leaf swirling around in the wind. It just goes wherever the breeze takes it. It makes some noise but isn't disruptive. & I'm waiting for the person who doesn't let me just fly away in the wind like everyone else.

But the story of my life is unrequited love. I'm not sure if I've been cursed with this complex, or if I just "think" I have which has affected my attitude. & your attitude means everything. It can make or break you. So if I believe that I might as well not bother in telling someone I like them, then I don't do it. Maybe deep down I actually like the plague & suffering of unrequited love. It's not your typical anguish. The best way I can find to describe it is like a drug. It has its wonderful highs, & its deepest lows. The high is the ultimate purpose for taking the drug. But the side effects are the latent purpose, or in other words unintended. Even though the downs are pretty unbearable at the time, it makes the ups seem all the more incredible. If you break the cycle, you lose the lows, but the highs also go away with them. Rather than forge a path of complacency & monotony, you would choose the winding road of course. The winding road is much more interesting.

There is a song "Satellites" by Beyonce that somewhat touches on what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like we're just "satellites passing by." There is a lot of potential there, but if we keep orbiting around without crashing into each other, it's a waste. I know how I feel about him. I don't know how he feels about me. But what I do know is I would be good for him & I wish he could see that. I know I can't make him feel a certain way, but I can have some influence on it. I'm caught in the middle of fate & destiny. I feel that if it was meant to be, he would pursue me. But what if we all felt that way? We'd just be "satellites passing by." I know I can't make him make a move. But have I fully done my part?

Heart under the influence of love.

have you ever felt like you really found the one, that no other can come close to? you don't think you'll ever find someone else that makes you feel the way they do. you have never fallen this hard before & you'll never fall this hard again. they are the last one you will ever love because you've found everything you ever wanted in them. you don't have to go searching anymore. they're what you've been looking for all along, but just didn't know or couldn't find. if you could paint a human masterpiece, they would be the artwork. you never even had a picture of idealism until they walked into your life. all those other times you thought you were in love were merely crushes who seem so minuscule in the shadow of the real thing.

how do you beat that? how do you let something go that is so seemingly perfect? how will you find someone with all those qualities? is it even possible that anybody else exists who embodies this beauty? how will you ever love again? for the first time in your life, you have come face to face with perfection. so how can you just turn around when you're standing so close? how do you convince yourself you don't want something anymore when you still do?

all of that may sound a tad bit insane to you, & you're right. but it's not a mind under the alteration of drugs. it's your heart under the influence of love. of course they aren't perfect, they are a flawed human being just like the rest of us. but what your brain knows your heart, when a captive of love, chooses to ignore. & in battles of the brain vs. the heart, no matter how bloody, the heart always comes out the victor. maybe you really have fallen this deeply before, but your heart has convinced you that this is the most you've ever loved someone. & yes there is someone else out there for you that will give you everything the last one did & more. but you don't want anyone else or what they have to offer. you want that one person. not because they love you back or performed some noble deed for you. just because you love them for who they are, & the way they make you feel in turn. & even though it seems foolish to long for something that you know will never happen, you've never wanted anything else so much as this.

i believe that unrequited love is the truest of all. it's the most selfless because it gives without receiving. it's the strongest because it endures all skepticism, heartache, & disappointment. it's easy to love when you're getting something in return. but to love despite the prospect of never getting it back is difficult.

i'm pouring my heart out, desperately hoping for some solace to this ongoing struggle within me. this is how i really feel, every single day. no one could even make something this complicated up. & you cannot possibly understand unless you've been a victim yourself.

Patiently Waiting

True love will wait forever
Not knowing what's on the other side
Or if the reward at the end
Will be worth the difficult ride

Just taking it in stride
One day at a time
Yet meanwhile terrified
Of getting your hopes too high
Just to fall in the end
Like a raindrop from the sky

The minutes go by like hours
& an hour is more like a day
It doesn't get any easier
But as they always say
No matter what the obstacle
A little faith can go a long way

Worse than saying goodbye
Is the uncertainty that follows
No matter how hard you try
You can't stop thinking of them
The more time that goes by
The worse it becomes

Not knowing precisely when
You'll get to meet again
How soon or far away it may be
Just passing time until then

Thinking of the memories
Of all the time you've spent
Trying to recapture
Every precious moment

Longing merely to be
In their warm presence
Hearing their laughter
Pierce the aching silence

Missing someone you love
Is the most unbearable pain
But when you see each other
You'll know it wasn't in vain

Who said love was easy?

I'm not afraid of love
I just don't wanna feel the pain
'Cause the sun can't shine forever
There will be days of rain

I don't even know what I want
So how can I love someone else
I can't possibly give him what he needs
If I don't know what I'm looking for myself

A broken heart can be mended
But a lost soul is not easily found
I'm scared to spread my wings & fly
'Cause what if I hit the ground?

They say it's all in the journey
You'll find out along the way
I just don't wanna get hurt again
But I can't live alone another day
Even though love hurts sometimes
I want this feeling to stay

Sometimes I just don't know
Am I chasing the wrong thing?
Is all of this pain & sadness
Worth the shred of happiness you bring?

Is love supposed to hurt this bad
& cause tears to fall from your eyes
It almost seems like the lows
Are starting to outnumber the highs

I'm just afraid of not feeling anything
My heart becoming a vast empty space
But when you're in love it feels like
You're wrapped in a warm embrace

But I keep coming back for more
Despite all the pain you put me through
At the end of the day you make it all better
With just the simple thought of you

Just Thought You Should Know

I'll take whatever I can
Because I'd rather have some of you
Than nothing at all
As I surrender my entire heart
Not just a trivial part
Despite the inevitable pain
& oncoming days of rain

But that's a risk I'm willing to take
& a sacrifice I'm prepared to make
If I don't take a chance on you
If I let you slip by like all the rest
& fail yet another one of love's tests
I know I'll never forgive myself

I cannot regret this choice I've made
No matter what the outcome may be
If I sit by & do nothing at all
Then there's only one possibility

Even if you should walk out of my life
After everything is through
At least I welcomed you in
& spent some time with you

I know it seems so dumb
To make myself so vulnerable
But I'm well aware of the consequences
I'll worry as they come

For now I will seize my opportunity
Since tomorrow isn't a guarantee
Maybe someday you will understand
Just how much you mean to me

That's what terrifies me the most
Letting my guard down
Removing my mask
Leaving my feelings exposed

Even if you never feel the same way
I should still say what I need to say
So I won't have to ask myself
What could have been someday

I just thought you should know
You're the only one I've ever met
Who has made me feel this way
I haven't let anyone yet

Now I find myself transforming
Before my very own eyes
Wanting to give you all of me
My most closely guarded prize

Love will make you try things
You've never done before
Or compromise your beliefs
Until all of a sudden
You don't know yourself anymore

By: Yours Truly