After effects.

After effects are a bitch, to put it bluntly. After you reach the peak or "euphoria," there's only one direction to go from there, which is down. & that's when you hit rock bottom.

I thought I knew it was gonna be hard. Turns out I didn't even know what hard was until it hit me. If it's already this difficult, it's definitely not going to get any easier.

But you can't get mad at the life you chose to lead. I knew what I was getting myself into when I selected this path. But how was I to know I'd end up drowning? Obviously I would never willingly choose that. & now I'm in over my head. It's too late to turn around. I just have to stay afloat. & I choose to live, not to lay down & die.

It's no longer a matter of staying or leaving. I need him. Even if he makes me sad, he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Before he came along, I wasn't as sad, but I wasn't as happy... that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. & now I'm trying to find the me that I once knew. What happened to my confidence, my independence? Now I find myself jealous, insecure, & weak.

But he's my paradise in a cold world. An oasis in the middle of the desert. When I'm with him, I don't have any other care in the world. & I'd rather spend the rest of my time thinking of him than doing anything else.

I just wish this was a sure thing. Is there a chance that something could possibly be there someday? I think I deserve someone who will love me. What do I want from him? I thought all I wanted was his acknowledgment. Then I wanted to give myself to him, thinking he would never accept it, but it happened. & now I want even more. I got a taste, & it was so beautiful, divine, & perfect that all I can think of is the next time I will get it. I refuse to try to find someone else.

I felt something there, but if I'm the only one who felt it, does that mean it isn't real? The words you say & the things you do may not mean much to someone else, but they mean the world to me. Do you see anything in me at all? You're everything to me, but I'm probably next to nothing to you.

To you it was just an inconvenience or a hassle. But to me, it was a rite of passage in my life. I gave you my feelings, my innocence, my vulnerability, my trust, my fears. But I knew there was a possibility you wouldn't do the same, & that I could end up getting hurt sooner or later. I tried not to think about it. My love for you overpowered any fears. I hope that eventually you'll see just how much I've put on the line.

& now I finally understand how sex changes a female's emotions. It makes you constantly worry that you aren't measuring up.

How is it humanly possible to love someone so much without any love in return ? Will the love die if the fire isn't fed?