After effects.

After effects are a bitch, to put it bluntly. After you reach the peak or "euphoria," there's only one direction to go from there, which is down. & that's when you hit rock bottom.

I thought I knew it was gonna be hard. Turns out I didn't even know what hard was until it hit me. If it's already this difficult, it's definitely not going to get any easier.

But you can't get mad at the life you chose to lead. I knew what I was getting myself into when I selected this path. But how was I to know I'd end up drowning? Obviously I would never willingly choose that. & now I'm in over my head. It's too late to turn around. I just have to stay afloat. & I choose to live, not to lay down & die.

It's no longer a matter of staying or leaving. I need him. Even if he makes me sad, he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Before he came along, I wasn't as sad, but I wasn't as happy... that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. & now I'm trying to find the me that I once knew. What happened to my confidence, my independence? Now I find myself jealous, insecure, & weak.

But he's my paradise in a cold world. An oasis in the middle of the desert. When I'm with him, I don't have any other care in the world. & I'd rather spend the rest of my time thinking of him than doing anything else.

I just wish this was a sure thing. Is there a chance that something could possibly be there someday? I think I deserve someone who will love me. What do I want from him? I thought all I wanted was his acknowledgment. Then I wanted to give myself to him, thinking he would never accept it, but it happened. & now I want even more. I got a taste, & it was so beautiful, divine, & perfect that all I can think of is the next time I will get it. I refuse to try to find someone else.

I felt something there, but if I'm the only one who felt it, does that mean it isn't real? The words you say & the things you do may not mean much to someone else, but they mean the world to me. Do you see anything in me at all? You're everything to me, but I'm probably next to nothing to you.

To you it was just an inconvenience or a hassle. But to me, it was a rite of passage in my life. I gave you my feelings, my innocence, my vulnerability, my trust, my fears. But I knew there was a possibility you wouldn't do the same, & that I could end up getting hurt sooner or later. I tried not to think about it. My love for you overpowered any fears. I hope that eventually you'll see just how much I've put on the line.

& now I finally understand how sex changes a female's emotions. It makes you constantly worry that you aren't measuring up.

How is it humanly possible to love someone so much without any love in return ? Will the love die if the fire isn't fed?

You are love.

I'm alive when I'm with you
Like the first breath of life
Welcoming someone new
The reason my heart keeps beating
When it seems all hope is fleeting

I exist for the joy
Live for the pain
Just to see your smile
I'll always remain

It's a mixture between love & hate
The two opposing forces
Somehow closely relate

I never knew what love meant
Until the day I met you
You're all I've ever known
You became my definition of love
All on your own

You aren't just my soulmate
Not even a companion
Or just another date
To me, you are love

Putting another before you
Just isn't a possibility
When I look at someone else
Your eyes are all I see

Even when love is not returned
It's better to live without it
Than to settle for less
Love has no time limit

Waiting for your love
To finally set me free
& if it never happens
I guess I'll live in captivity

Love is...

When you feel like giving up, but keep holding on.

Elusive love.

I was never scared of love
Just afraid of it slipping away
I never meant to fall for you
It just happened that way

When I act distant or hesitant
Deep down I want to be close
But I'm worried what you'll think
If I let my layers expose

When I'm around you
I pretend like I don't care
But the truth is I miss you
Whenever you're not there

To be in your midst is enough
I never expected love in return
But I'll wait around in case
One day you finally learn

Maybe it's meant to be
Or it could be a fantasy
But if I let this chance go
I'll certainly never know

Look inside my heart
Past the illusion
See me for who I am
Through all the confusion

Leave the games behind
Hearts aren't made
To be deceived & played

I get so close
That I can almost touch it
But then it always slips
Right between my fingertips

Something so magnificent
Within arms reach of me
Too far to grasp
But close enough to see

Like a glass of water
I put my lips to the top
Longing for a taste
But all I get is a drop

We're running out of time
& running in place
Not getting anywhere
Just floating in space

It's time to move
Before it's too late
But I have to move
At my own steady rate

Satellites.

There's this one person in my life that for the past couple years, I've never been able to let go. Despite all the pain, which he hasn't caused directly... it's the pain that I've brought upon myself. Sometimes I try to walk the other way, but it never works. Other times it starts going away on its own, but it always comes back just as strong. When I go through those periods where that feeling of love & pain battling each other goes away, I'm left with nothing but barrenness. & that's a very frightening, unsettling place for me. I've become used to the "painful love" & without my knowledge, I suppose I started to welcome it & even need it. I guess I just "never can say goodbye." Maybe instead of trying to fight it or understand it, I just need to accept it for the way it is. Just like I have accepted him & love him for who he is. I know I will never have him as my own in reality, but there is nothing I can do about it... besides accept it. If I accept it, that puts the power back in my hands & allows my heart to finally rest. Even if there will never be a "we", he'll always be in my heart so in a way he is still mine.

I've come to realize we can't help who we love. If we did, we'd pick the richest, most successful, attractive mate. I've also realized we can't change how someone else feels. Love is a totally spontaneous force. If we can't choose who we love, then it only makes sense that we can't choose who loves us. The complex nature of love is what makes it so unique & captivating. If it wasn't so elusive, there wouldn't be thousands of books written for it, countless movies made about it, & it wouldn't be the driving force behind most of our goals & ambitions.

If I could choose who to love, it would be someone who wanted to be with me just as bad as I wanted to be with him. & it would be someone who appreciated my love. But that's not the way it works. If love wasn't hard, no one would appreciate it. I know that all the work I've been required to put in only made my love stronger, & it helped me prove myself. The fact that love isn't perfect or mutual, allows us to fight for it. & if you're willing to fight for something, that means you deserve it. We should only give our love to someone who has shown they truly want it by working for it. Although we can't help who we fall in love with, we can control who we ultimately give our love to. Fate & destiny are intertwined in that way. Fate determines who we fall in love with. Destiny determines what we decide to do with it.

One thing that has perplexed me for quite some time about love is its formal definition. Is it just the burning desire to be next to someone? How could such a seemingly casual thing be so monumental? It's crazy that just being "near" someone can mean so much. That we would shift the meaning of our entire existence on one fellow human being.

I'm very fascinated with the idea of love. I love being in love, & hate falling out of it. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world to me to just pour all of your love into one person. I'm actually a very loving person, but at the same time very selective. So I tend to just pick one person to give all my love to, instead of various people who get only bits & pieces. In other words, when I love, I love hard. I don't mean to flatter myself, but I really believe that if I were to actually fall in love with the right person someday, meaning someone who reciprocated my feelings, they would be extremely lucky. I really give my all when I love someone. I might not be aggressive, I may be more behind the scenes, but I give it my best.

I used to wish I was more outward with my thoughts & feelings. But I've come to realize I have a slight advantage. By not being so loud & oppressive with my innermost self, it requires people to actually get to know me. So far I don't think I've found anyone who found me "interesting" enough to tap into the depths of my soul. No one has really tried. I wish someone would, but I also like it this way. It keeps the leeches & unwanted vultures out. I think everyone's soul or aura can be visualized. I like to think of mine as just a leaf swirling around in the wind. It just goes wherever the breeze takes it. It makes some noise but isn't disruptive. & I'm waiting for the person who doesn't let me just fly away in the wind like everyone else.

But the story of my life is unrequited love. I'm not sure if I've been cursed with this complex, or if I just "think" I have which has affected my attitude. & your attitude means everything. It can make or break you. So if I believe that I might as well not bother in telling someone I like them, then I don't do it. Maybe deep down I actually like the plague & suffering of unrequited love. It's not your typical anguish. The best way I can find to describe it is like a drug. It has its wonderful highs, & its deepest lows. The high is the ultimate purpose for taking the drug. But the side effects are the latent purpose, or in other words unintended. Even though the downs are pretty unbearable at the time, it makes the ups seem all the more incredible. If you break the cycle, you lose the lows, but the highs also go away with them. Rather than forge a path of complacency & monotony, you would choose the winding road of course. The winding road is much more interesting.

There is a song "Satellites" by Beyonce that somewhat touches on what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like we're just "satellites passing by." There is a lot of potential there, but if we keep orbiting around without crashing into each other, it's a waste. I know how I feel about him. I don't know how he feels about me. But what I do know is I would be good for him & I wish he could see that. I know I can't make him feel a certain way, but I can have some influence on it. I'm caught in the middle of fate & destiny. I feel that if it was meant to be, he would pursue me. But what if we all felt that way? We'd just be "satellites passing by." I know I can't make him make a move. But have I fully done my part?

Heart under the influence of love.

have you ever felt like you really found the one, that no other can come close to? you don't think you'll ever find someone else that makes you feel the way they do. you have never fallen this hard before & you'll never fall this hard again. they are the last one you will ever love because you've found everything you ever wanted in them. you don't have to go searching anymore. they're what you've been looking for all along, but just didn't know or couldn't find. if you could paint a human masterpiece, they would be the artwork. you never even had a picture of idealism until they walked into your life. all those other times you thought you were in love were merely crushes who seem so minuscule in the shadow of the real thing.

how do you beat that? how do you let something go that is so seemingly perfect? how will you find someone with all those qualities? is it even possible that anybody else exists who embodies this beauty? how will you ever love again? for the first time in your life, you have come face to face with perfection. so how can you just turn around when you're standing so close? how do you convince yourself you don't want something anymore when you still do?

all of that may sound a tad bit insane to you, & you're right. but it's not a mind under the alteration of drugs. it's your heart under the influence of love. of course they aren't perfect, they are a flawed human being just like the rest of us. but what your brain knows your heart, when a captive of love, chooses to ignore. & in battles of the brain vs. the heart, no matter how bloody, the heart always comes out the victor. maybe you really have fallen this deeply before, but your heart has convinced you that this is the most you've ever loved someone. & yes there is someone else out there for you that will give you everything the last one did & more. but you don't want anyone else or what they have to offer. you want that one person. not because they love you back or performed some noble deed for you. just because you love them for who they are, & the way they make you feel in turn. & even though it seems foolish to long for something that you know will never happen, you've never wanted anything else so much as this.

i believe that unrequited love is the truest of all. it's the most selfless because it gives without receiving. it's the strongest because it endures all skepticism, heartache, & disappointment. it's easy to love when you're getting something in return. but to love despite the prospect of never getting it back is difficult.

i'm pouring my heart out, desperately hoping for some solace to this ongoing struggle within me. this is how i really feel, every single day. no one could even make something this complicated up. & you cannot possibly understand unless you've been a victim yourself.

Patiently Waiting

True love will wait forever
Not knowing what's on the other side
Or if the reward at the end
Will be worth the difficult ride

Just taking it in stride
One day at a time
Yet meanwhile terrified
Of getting your hopes too high
Just to fall in the end
Like a raindrop from the sky

The minutes go by like hours
& an hour is more like a day
It doesn't get any easier
But as they always say
No matter what the obstacle
A little faith can go a long way

Worse than saying goodbye
Is the uncertainty that follows
No matter how hard you try
You can't stop thinking of them
The more time that goes by
The worse it becomes

Not knowing precisely when
You'll get to meet again
How soon or far away it may be
Just passing time until then

Thinking of the memories
Of all the time you've spent
Trying to recapture
Every precious moment

Longing merely to be
In their warm presence
Hearing their laughter
Pierce the aching silence

Missing someone you love
Is the most unbearable pain
But when you see each other
You'll know it wasn't in vain