trapped by my heart.

i love you but i know i shouldn't

sometimes it hurts so bad

i wanna walk away

but i know i couldn't

it's hard to stare at you from a distance

pretending that i don't care

my heart cries out for you silently

but i don't speak because i'm scared

when you look in my direction

even though i'm smiling inside

i turn my head around

while my feelings run & hide

i remember one time

when you saw my face & smiled

i felt it in my heart

dancing & going wild

how do i begin to tell you

that you make me feel this way?

i have no clue what to do

or what i'm supposed to say...

but i know i have to someday

my heart can't take anymore

i'm running out of room

for all this love to be stored

these feelings are trapped within

locked behind my heart's doors

longing to be released

if only you let them in yours

the beautiful struggle.

if you knew how much i loved you, would you even care? how much love can one heart give without anything in return? i'm a human being, i have feelings & needs. i'm tired of digging around for any little sign that you care. i'll give my all, i just ask for appreciation in return. i'm waiting for the day when you finally see the realness in me. it's been here all along. i can show you, but i can't make you understand. & if that day never comes, then maybe i was just too real for you...

but i knew before i began my journey, that you were not gonna be an easy one to break. then again, neither am i. that's why i respect you so much, because you don't let just anyone in. i feel like all these sexual conquests & this arrogant nature are just a facade to cover up a fragile human being. one who is vulnerable to insecurities, pain, & frailties just like everyone else. the more sensitive you are, the harder you have to try to hide it. i should know because i'm the same way. i hide a broken heart falling apart at the seams with a tough, cool, carefree exterior. i actually take pride in guarding my emotions so safely. but i don't want to be another statistic to you, because we could be so much more than that...

i know it's too soon for you to love me. something as beautiful as love shouldn't come too quickly or easily. but sometimes i wonder if you're ready for love at all. you've become so poisoned & intoxicated by females filling your head with compliments about your looks & your sex game, that you aren't going to recognize or care about a chick who really loves you for you when you finally see one. i'm not asking you to give up all the women in the world for me. i just want you to feel the love i have for you. because if you could just feel it & let love in, not question it or push it away, you would feel all the love this life has to offer & then some. i feel like all the love i have could circle the entire globe & still not be finished.

tears roll down my face as i'm writing this to you, even though you will never read this. i love you so much it literally kills me inside.. pieces of my heart break off just for you & i will never ever see them again. you're the only one who will get to receive my love, & since i have faith in the goodness of your heart, i know one day you will understand... even if i'm out of your life by then. one day you will appreciate a woman's love. i just wish that woman could be me.

something keeps telling me that i'll appreciate all this heartache & fallen tears eventually. if i ever do get to have a part of you, then it'll all be worth the beautiful struggle...

so here's an unmarked letter, from my heart to yours.

that's why i love you.

i could have anyone else that i actually got to see & talk to every day, but i'd rather be lonely & missing you all the time than settle for less. i am only capable of loving you. every time i even consider searching for someone else, i quickly erase the thought away.

when i'm around you, i don't have to say a word. i just listen intently to every word you say & try to understand you better. & the more i get to know you, the more i love you. i feel like beyonce said, "i love to see you walk in the room, body shining, lighting up the place. & when you talk, everybody stops cause they know you know just what to say." it's like when you walk through the door, the world stops spinning, my heart starts glowing, & my whole aura lights up.

& then when you're gone, i feel the other end of the emotional spectrum. everything inside of me, my whole entire being, hurts like no other. it takes all my strength just to continue on with life.

& that's why i love you. you're the only one that can make me feel anything, let alone such a wide array of emotions.

as long as you're here, i'm never going anywhere. no matter how hard i have to try, or how long i have to wait.

even though you upset me sometimes, i can't envision my life without you.

sometimes i wonder if there's anyone else in the world who feels this way right now, whether it be for you or someone else.

but i know in my heart that nobody could love you more than i do...

no one can question my love for you. never once have i left your side or turned my back on you, & i never will.

even though it may not mean a lot to anyone else, the love that you've shown me is more than i've ever felt before from a romantic standpoint. from day one, you & your brothers welcomed me with open arms & i'm eternally grateful.

sometimes i wonder how long i can go on this way. i feel as if i'm just biding my time, shuffling aimlessly through life until i get to see you. only then do i enjoy myself. it's easy to say that it's unhealthy & i should break my attachment, but i can't. if i were to break it, then i wouldn't even have anything to look forward to.

i know you would have to cut me off first, because i'll never be ready to let go on my own. which is hard because i'm always the first one to push people away. i'm making myself so vulnerable & open, which terrifies me. but i'm ready & willing to face my fears for you. i hate the uncertainty, not knowing where you & me will stand a month, a year, or however long from now. but i guess that's the enticing part too. i can usually predict things with accuracy, but the unexpected always occurs when it comes to you.

After effects.

After effects are a bitch, to put it bluntly. After you reach the peak or "euphoria," there's only one direction to go from there, which is down. & that's when you hit rock bottom.

I thought I knew it was gonna be hard. Turns out I didn't even know what hard was until it hit me. If it's already this difficult, it's definitely not going to get any easier.

But you can't get mad at the life you chose to lead. I knew what I was getting myself into when I selected this path. But how was I to know I'd end up drowning? Obviously I would never willingly choose that. & now I'm in over my head. It's too late to turn around. I just have to stay afloat. & I choose to live, not to lay down & die.

It's no longer a matter of staying or leaving. I need him. Even if he makes me sad, he's the only one who makes me truly happy. Before he came along, I wasn't as sad, but I wasn't as happy... that probably doesn't make sense to anyone else. & now I'm trying to find the me that I once knew. What happened to my confidence, my independence? Now I find myself jealous, insecure, & weak.

But he's my paradise in a cold world. An oasis in the middle of the desert. When I'm with him, I don't have any other care in the world. & I'd rather spend the rest of my time thinking of him than doing anything else.

I just wish this was a sure thing. Is there a chance that something could possibly be there someday? I think I deserve someone who will love me. What do I want from him? I thought all I wanted was his acknowledgment. Then I wanted to give myself to him, thinking he would never accept it, but it happened. & now I want even more. I got a taste, & it was so beautiful, divine, & perfect that all I can think of is the next time I will get it. I refuse to try to find someone else.

I felt something there, but if I'm the only one who felt it, does that mean it isn't real? The words you say & the things you do may not mean much to someone else, but they mean the world to me. Do you see anything in me at all? You're everything to me, but I'm probably next to nothing to you.

To you it was just an inconvenience or a hassle. But to me, it was a rite of passage in my life. I gave you my feelings, my innocence, my vulnerability, my trust, my fears. But I knew there was a possibility you wouldn't do the same, & that I could end up getting hurt sooner or later. I tried not to think about it. My love for you overpowered any fears. I hope that eventually you'll see just how much I've put on the line.

& now I finally understand how sex changes a female's emotions. It makes you constantly worry that you aren't measuring up.

How is it humanly possible to love someone so much without any love in return ? Will the love die if the fire isn't fed?

You are love.

I'm alive when I'm with you
Like the first breath of life
Welcoming someone new
The reason my heart keeps beating
When it seems all hope is fleeting

I exist for the joy
Live for the pain
Just to see your smile
I'll always remain

It's a mixture between love & hate
The two opposing forces
Somehow closely relate

I never knew what love meant
Until the day I met you
You're all I've ever known
You became my definition of love
All on your own

You aren't just my soulmate
Not even a companion
Or just another date
To me, you are love

Putting another before you
Just isn't a possibility
When I look at someone else
Your eyes are all I see

Even when love is not returned
It's better to live without it
Than to settle for less
Love has no time limit

Waiting for your love
To finally set me free
& if it never happens
I guess I'll live in captivity

Love is...

When you feel like giving up, but keep holding on.

Elusive love.

I was never scared of love
Just afraid of it slipping away
I never meant to fall for you
It just happened that way

When I act distant or hesitant
Deep down I want to be close
But I'm worried what you'll think
If I let my layers expose

When I'm around you
I pretend like I don't care
But the truth is I miss you
Whenever you're not there

To be in your midst is enough
I never expected love in return
But I'll wait around in case
One day you finally learn

Maybe it's meant to be
Or it could be a fantasy
But if I let this chance go
I'll certainly never know

Look inside my heart
Past the illusion
See me for who I am
Through all the confusion

Leave the games behind
Hearts aren't made
To be deceived & played

I get so close
That I can almost touch it
But then it always slips
Right between my fingertips

Something so magnificent
Within arms reach of me
Too far to grasp
But close enough to see

Like a glass of water
I put my lips to the top
Longing for a taste
But all I get is a drop

We're running out of time
& running in place
Not getting anywhere
Just floating in space

It's time to move
Before it's too late
But I have to move
At my own steady rate